What is “The Schnooks?”
What? You have never heard of us? Well, join the club! The Schnooks, based in Batavia, Ohio, are not ones to chase popularity on social media. And they refuse to have their music dictated by an algorithm. And to make matters worse, they also use minimal pitch correction, unlike what you here on today’s releases that can sound too polished and fake.
Why? Because even in this digital age of AI ana Auto-Tune, there are still some people out there who prefer the natural human imperfections in music. You, like it was for the entirety of music history until the last 25 or so years (thanks, Cher. You ruined it for everyone)..
Who’s this fat dude?
That stud-muffin holding the red guitar… that is the guy who started this whole abomination. His name is Stephen Bernhard, and he’s been playing one thing or another since around 1991-92. He refers to himself as a “multi-instrumentalist” ( that’s French for “I’m a D-bag”). For The Schnooks, Stephen plays all of the instruments, all of the production and engineering, and pretty much everything else (unless otherwise credited).
You know, he doesn’t pay me enough to put his dumb bio up on this stupid website. He won’t even read this anyway! I took this gig because it sure beats what I was doing. But I’m quitting this stupid job. He can hire some other 13 year old to do this. I’m going back to mowing lawns.
And one more thing. He’ll tell you he programmed that game himself. Bullshit, it was AI.
C-YA BITCHES
★
“By far the best band in Batavia that you can find on your favorite music site, by virtue of being the only one.”
Jason Kessler – The New York Thymes
★
“Have you ever wondered what a guitar with diarrhea sounded like? Well, now you know “
barbara Kaine – The Boston Glob
“No talent. None. Never had any for as long as I’ve heard his music. After 30 years, and he still sounds like a quadriplegic falling into a drum kit. That’s not playing. That’s torturing the listener. And he’s an asshole to boot. No stars.”
Carole bernhard – Stephen’s Mother